Merry SNL Christmas: The Ferrell Fatalities

Will Ferrell as Robert Goulet
What about Bob? Will Ferrell as the deadly Robert Goulet

Perhaps the blame lies with Philo T. Farnsworth, who invented the medium. After all, last year, it was American Horror Story, and just tonight it was Will Ferrell doing Robert Goulet doing LDB on the SNL Christmas Special.

The dead piled up like cordwood. Anne Sussman, Jesse Blatt, Richard Arnold, Lee Ann Shollenberger, Steve Friedman. OK, so it was only five people, but still—kindling, at least. And poor Anne had already admitted she was jinxing herself by saying she was an LDBC machine. (Some may laugh and gloat, but not me, certainly. Not in public, anyway. Kudos to Hadley Taylor, though, for stepping over Anne’s corpse and heading to the future.)

Perhaps the correct spelling from now on is “Ghoul-et.” Or maybe Ferrell needs to change the name of his site to Funny and Die. Either way, it’s no laughing matter.

Godspeed, lost LDBCers. I guess it really was an impossible dream.

The Fifth Day: Dementia Five

Dan Aykroyd, Trading Places
Dan Aykroyd, Trading Places

Just a short update, LDBCers, and there’s no pretty way to say this: It’s a freakin’ apocalypse.

Only five days in, and the body count has topped 50. Fifty! Der Bingle and Aladdin Sane lead the Murderers’ Row list with three thus far, but not far behind are Burl “The Churl” Ives, Kenny G.-I’d-Love-to-Kill-Ya, Mannheim Steamroller, Perry Como, and Ray Conniff and his Bloodthirsty Singers with two each.

Home remains the deadliest place to hang, with 13 lives lost there, but retail establishments are coming up fast, with a total of 11.

Oh, the humanity. Or, as the wondrous Willy Wonka said: The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last.

Second-Day Summary: Two Much Blood

Abominable Snowman
The Bloody Bumble

With the second day of the LDBC thinking about heading to bed and all the LDBCers heading to work tomorrow, it’s time to tally up the misery thus far. And it ain’t pretty, as the dark side of the holiday cheer has reared its monstrous head and roared a roar that’s thick with rage, slobber, and something that smells suspiciously like Ballantine’s best.

At this time last year, we were down 10. In 2012, it’s nearly twice that at 19. That’s a lot of puh-rum-pum-pum-pain, people.

Location-wise, home is where the harm is, with people’s dwellings edging out the car by a couple of deaths. Artist-wise, there’s no leader yet, with The Jackson 5, Wayne Newton, Frank Sinatra, Linda Ronstadt, Michael Bolton, and Peter Gabriel all stopping by to shank our best and bravest.

Let’s be careful out there.

Sip-Slidin’ Away

Whisky Advent Calendar

Here at LDBC Central, we’re more Tiny Tim than Ebeneezer, so Mrs. LDBC and I can’t afford to spring for this bit o’ day-by-day enchantment ourselves. But I can’t think of a better way to ride out a good chunk of the Challenge.

(Oh, and a side note to you suspicious types. We don’t make a dime off of this link. It’s merely a public service.)

Puh-rum-pum-pum-clink!, people.