Day 20: You Can’t Handle the Youth

Village of the Damned
The eyes have it: the choir of the damned, from the perspective of your hard-luck host

I agree with those who insist that today, 12/12/12, should have been the date of the apocalypse, not 12/12/21. I also agree with the great Humphrey Bogart, who, on his way out, reportedly said, “I should never have switched from scotch to martinis.”

Your hapless host headed to the chapter eternal on the way out of the office this evening, dear LDBCers, when my trip down the office escalator became a descent into defeat and disgrace as the puh-rum-pum-pum-pum of a children’s choir pierced my eardrums, and my head exploded, Scanners-style. Just this morning, I passed those same kids on the way in and said to myself as the stairs carried me aloft, “Those little fuckers better not take me out.” Well, I guess those little fuckers heard me and took me up on the dare.

Ah, but why make it all about me? Might as well update the body count for everyone. As of Saturday (yes, I’m that far behind in my tallying, alas), there were 201 down. That’s more than five platoons’ worth of valiant LDBCers gone, and as I say, because I’m a slow-moving bum of a host, I haven’t even counted everyone through today. Oh, the humanity.

Did I mention, by the way, that when I reached the tracks at the bottom of my death plummet, I found that all trains on my route were blinking a red “delayed” on the board as the horrid children segued into “Silent Night”? Thus, the day ended in what the poets Benjamin Grimm and Riley used to refer to as a revoltin’ development. Or, to paraphrase LDBCer Greg Sorenson, what a kick in the junk.

Finish what we started and carry the fight to the enemy, stalwart ones. I knew Mrs. LDBC would be distraught at the news of her beloved’s demise—and since she chuckled at my news, I can only conclude that her beloved is another man. I wish victory to each and every one of you. That stick-slinging little bastard can’t get us all.

Puh-rum-pum-pum-pum, people. Make me proud. — Mr. LDBC

The Fifth Day: Dementia Five

Dan Aykroyd, Trading Places
Dan Aykroyd, Trading Places

Just a short update, LDBCers, and there’s no pretty way to say this: It’s a freakin’ apocalypse.

Only five days in, and the body count has topped 50. Fifty! Der Bingle and Aladdin Sane lead the Murderers’ Row list with three thus far, but not far behind are Burl “The Churl” Ives, Kenny G.-I’d-Love-to-Kill-Ya, Mannheim Steamroller, Perry Como, and Ray Conniff and his Bloodthirsty Singers with two each.

Home remains the deadliest place to hang, with 13 lives lost there, but retail establishments are coming up fast, with a total of 11.

Oh, the humanity. Or, as the wondrous Willy Wonka said: The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last.