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The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB: Cyndi Lauper’s Christmas Conga

Cyndi Lauper Christmas
Bonga, bonga, bonga—screw the Christmas Conga

Yes, LDBCers, the Season of the Drum has officially come to a close. But that doesn’t mean that we have run out of craptivatingly craven Christmas tunes to criticize—there are two more!

Until recently, I was completely unaware of the existence of Cyndi Lauper’s “Christmas Conga”—and I was totally okay with that. But now that it’s occupying valuable neuronal space that could otherwise be pressed into service for remembering lines from Goodfellas, I must share the joy with you. I’ll let the “music” speak for itself. — Mrs. LDBC

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How Did You Do in the 2012 LDBC?

Happy Sad Faces

So how’d you do? The Little Drummer Boy Challenge ends at midnight, your time, on Dec. 23rd. Now, we love seeing you brag or mourn, depending on your result, on the Facebook page. But it also helps us out quite a bit if you fill out this form to record your win or loss officially. So take a minute and increase your Challenge karma exponentially. — Mr. LDBC

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LDBC-Inspired Art: El Rey’s “Drum Demon”

Little Drummer Boy on Jeopardy
Because I could not stop for Death, he kindly stopped for me: Drum Devil courtesy El Rey

When the going gets tough, the tough get creative. Thus, an LDBC-inspired masterpiece from our artist friend James Barnett, better known as El Rey. — Mr. LDBC

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The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB: Clay Aiken’s Merry Christmas with Love

Clay Aiken
Oh, my Aiken ears: Clay’s mind-bendingly maudlin musical mess

This latest helping of holiday hokum was a staple of Clay Aiken’s “Joyful Noise” Tour (2004-2007). But there’s nothing joyful about this noise, my friends. Clay is the closest thing we in the real world have to a Rankin/Bass stop-motion character. However, Kris Kringle, Yukon Cornelius—hell, even Hermey—wouldn’t be caught dead warbling this syrupy Yuletide twaddle. This one’s enough to make me turn into Sombertown’s Burgermeister Meisterburger right quick. Or, to paraphrase Marsellus Wallace, “I’m gonna get Bumble on your ass.” — Mrs. LDBC

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The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB: Madonna’s Santa Baby

Madonna
We need a holiday—from Madge’s saccharine “Santa Baby.”

Madonna’s treacly take on Eartha Kitt’s slightly less treacly 1953 hit appeared on 1987’s “A Very Special Christmas,” along with such enduring Yuletide classics as The Coug’s rendition of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” (see my last take-down, er, post) and Bon Jovi’s version of “Back Door Santa.”

According to my airtight source (an unreferenced statement on the “Santa Baby” Wikipedia entry), “Santa Baby” is one of only two Christmas hits penned by a woman (Joan Javits, the niece of NY Senator Jacob K. Javits, for all you factoid-heads). The other one? “Carol of the Drum” by Katherine K. Davis—better known as “The Little Drummer Boy.” — Mrs. LDBC

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The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB: John Cougar Mellencamp’s I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

John Cougar Mellencamp
Uh-uh: The Coug and friends cut loose to bring you a heapin’ helpin’ of cruddy Christmas cheer.

Full disclosure: Mrs. LDBC has nurtured a white-hot hatred of the Christmas classic “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” since she was a wee lass in the hinterlands of suburban New Jersey. Mommy two-timing Daddy with a bearded guy in red velvet who shows up once a year to chow down on milk and cookies? HELL TO THE NO. Add in a Tawny-Kitaen-maned Coug, fiddles, and acid wash, and the white-hot hatred morphs into apoplexy. My fervent Christmas wish: that folksy, homespun music types swear off making zydeco-infused versions of creepy Yuletide tunes. They won’t, of course. But ain’t that America? —Mrs. LDBC

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LDBCer Dispatch: Ms. Dixon Takes a Fall Down Under

Mark Jacko Jackson
Shock to the system: the surprising Mark “Jacko” Jackson

The Aussies are some of my favorite people on the planet, and I mean that in all seriousness. Whether trekking in Nepal or blowing my knee out in the Alps, I’ve found them to be among the toughest and best-humored travelers around. Which is why it disturbs me that we’ve been at war with them for decades. We make them look stupid on The Simpsons and give them a bad name in medium after medium. They send us Yahoo Serious and Jacko. Frankly, I think we’re losing. (Don’t believe me? Have we ever come up with adequate retaliation for the commercial below? I think not.) Anyway, LDBCers such as Jennifer Dixon, who contributed the following account of her demise, help give me hope for a lasting peace between us.

I’m out.

You northern hemisphere types won’t appreciate this: it’s 104 degrees out there, in country NSW Australia. I’m in this town doing a locum whilst my family is thousands of kilometres (sorry, MILES) away and I’m bored. I’ve come to the closest thing that passes for a mall in these parts. Just browsing goddawful summer dresses in the plus-size section…. Damn! Unidentified boy band (the worst kind).

A friendly stranger asks me what the matter is (friendly, country folk are everywhere) and, try as I might, I just can’t explain my outburst of obscenities to them. “but it’s just a Christmas song”. They shake their head and walk away from the crazy big city type.

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The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB: John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John’s I Think You Might Like It

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John: This Christmas
Gross is the word: John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John as Danny and Sandy 2.0

Back in 1978, Danny and Sandy jetted off from Rydell High in their shiny red jalopy. Now, 34 years later, everyone’s favorite greaser couple is back to bring you this electrifyingly egregious Christmas tune. Travolta’s ’do is a cross between a ’70s-era G.I. Joe and Merlin’s headplate from Excalibur. And when did Newton-John start channeling Joan Rivers?

I got chills. They’re multiplyin’. — Mrs. LDBC

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The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB: Wham!’s Last Christmas

Wham Last Christmas
Wham! There it is—the latest craptacular Christmas tune!

Yes peeps, it’s Day 6 of The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB. We mark the halfway point with a truly craptivating holiday offering from ’80s duo Wham! (I guess they dropped the “UK” like a hot ramekin of figgy pudding by Christmas of ’84.) According to the video, George Michael’s Girl of Christmas Past is now Andrew Ridgeley’s Girl of Christmas Present. The take-home message? Relationships in the ’80s worked out best when you shared the same coiffure. — Mrs. LDBC

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Day 20: You Can’t Handle the Youth

Village of the Damned
The eyes have it: the choir of the damned, from the perspective of your hard-luck host

I agree with those who insist that today, 12/12/12, should have been the date of the apocalypse, not 12/12/21. I also agree with the great Humphrey Bogart, who, on his way out, reportedly said, “I should never have switched from scotch to martinis.”

Your hapless host headed to the chapter eternal on the way out of the office this evening, dear LDBCers, when my trip down the office escalator became a descent into defeat and disgrace as the puh-rum-pum-pum-pum of a children’s choir pierced my eardrums, and my head exploded, Scanners-style. Just this morning, I passed those same kids on the way in and said to myself as the stairs carried me aloft, “Those little fuckers better not take me out.” Well, I guess those little fuckers heard me and took me up on the dare.

Ah, but why make it all about me? Might as well update the body count for everyone. As of Saturday (yes, I’m that far behind in my tallying, alas), there were 201 down. That’s more than five platoons’ worth of valiant LDBCers gone, and as I say, because I’m a slow-moving bum of a host, I haven’t even counted everyone through today. Oh, the humanity.

Did I mention, by the way, that when I reached the tracks at the bottom of my death plummet, I found that all trains on my route were blinking a red “delayed” on the board as the horrid children segued into “Silent Night”? Thus, the day ended in what the poets Benjamin Grimm and Riley used to refer to as a revoltin’ development. Or, to paraphrase LDBCer Greg Sorenson, what a kick in the junk.

Finish what we started and carry the fight to the enemy, stalwart ones. I knew Mrs. LDBC would be distraught at the news of her beloved’s demise—and since she chuckled at my news, I can only conclude that her beloved is another man. I wish victory to each and every one of you. That stick-slinging little bastard can’t get us all.

Puh-rum-pum-pum-pum, people. Make me proud. — Mr. LDBC