A very Merry Christmas, LDBCers! We here at LDBC Central wish to thank you for indulging our desire to subject you to 12 craptivatingly crummy Christmas tunes, and we want to let you know that crowdsourcing works! Several of you cited Newsong’s “The Christmas Shoes” as a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad song. And after enduring the nearly five-minute video for the sake of research, I must concur. Yes, that’s Rob Lowe in there, playing a grinchy lawyer who discovers the real meaning of Christmas with the help of a young boy in need. I pray that Lowe has made enough money from his recent tell-all autobiography so that he never has to appear in a maudlin made-for-TV Christmas movie ever again. — Mrs. LDBC
Yes, LDBCers, the Season of the Drum has officially come to a close. But that doesn’t mean that we have run out of craptivatingly craven Christmas tunes to criticize—there are two more!
Until recently, I was completely unaware of the existence of Cyndi Lauper’s “Christmas Conga”—and I was totally okay with that. But now that it’s occupying valuable neuronal space that could otherwise be pressed into service for remembering lines from Goodfellas, I must share the joy with you. I’ll let the “music” speak for itself. — Mrs. LDBC
This latest helping of holiday hokum was a staple of Clay Aiken’s “Joyful Noise” Tour (2004-2007). But there’s nothing joyful about this noise, my friends. Clay is the closest thing we in the real world have to a Rankin/Bass stop-motion character. However, Kris Kringle, Yukon Cornelius—hell, even Hermey—wouldn’t be caught dead warbling this syrupy Yuletide twaddle. This one’s enough to make me turn into Sombertown’s Burgermeister Meisterburger right quick. Or, to paraphrase Marsellus Wallace, “I’m gonna get Bumble on your ass.” — Mrs. LDBC
Madonna’s treacly take on Eartha Kitt’s slightly less treacly 1953 hit appeared on 1987’s “A Very Special Christmas,” along with such enduring Yuletide classics as The Coug’s rendition of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” (see my last take-down, er, post) and Bon Jovi’s version of “Back Door Santa.”
According to my airtight source (an unreferenced statement on the “Santa Baby” Wikipedia entry), “Santa Baby” is one of only two Christmas hits penned by a woman (Joan Javits, the niece of NY Senator Jacob K. Javits, for all you factoid-heads). The other one? “Carol of the Drum” by Katherine K. Davis—better known as “The Little Drummer Boy.” — Mrs. LDBC
Full disclosure: Mrs. LDBC has nurtured a white-hot hatred of the Christmas classic “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” since she was a wee lass in the hinterlands of suburban New Jersey. Mommy two-timing Daddy with a bearded guy in red velvet who shows up once a year to chow down on milk and cookies? HELL TO THE NO. Add in a Tawny-Kitaen-maned Coug, fiddles, and acid wash, and the white-hot hatred morphs into apoplexy. My fervent Christmas wish: that folksy, homespun music types swear off making zydeco-infused versions of creepy Yuletide tunes. They won’t, of course. But ain’t that America? —Mrs. LDBC
Back in 1978, Danny and Sandy jetted off from Rydell High in their shiny red jalopy. Now, 34 years later, everyone’s favorite greaser couple is back to bring you this electrifyingly egregious Christmas tune. Travolta’s ’do is a cross between a ’70s-era G.I. Joe and Merlin’s headplate from Excalibur. And when did Newton-John start channeling Joan Rivers?
I got chills. They’re multiplyin’. — Mrs. LDBC
Yes peeps, it’s Day 6 of The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB. We mark the halfway point with a truly craptivating holiday offering from ’80s duo Wham! (I guess they dropped the “UK” like a hot ramekin of figgy pudding by Christmas of ’84.) According to the video, George Michael’s Girl of Christmas Past is now Andrew Ridgeley’s Girl of Christmas Present. The take-home message? Relationships in the ’80s worked out best when you shared the same coiffure. — Mrs. LDBC
In 2009, Neil Diamond mashed a whole bunch of his old song lyrics with some hackneyed descriptions of snow and magic holiday times. The result is this song. The children in the video look perplexed—but aren’t confused children what Christmas is all about? — Mrs. LDBC
Sir Paul is simply having a wonderful Christmastime. Which he feels the need to tell you about once every three seconds, backed by the dulcet tones of the Sequential Circuits Prophet-5 synthesizer. Between this and “Helen Wheels,” Sir Paul might need to have his knighthood rescinded. — Mrs. LDBC
The Cheeky Girls originally hail from Transylvania. Despite its title, this “song” (I use the term loosely) has about as much to do with Christmas as Vlad the Impaler. — Mrs. LDBC