I lost on Jeopardy, baby. Screen shot courtesy Tommy Carter
This one, courtesy of eagle-eyed, speedy-shuttered LDBCer Tommy Carter, says it all: The Boy is everywhere. Be ever vigilant, people. — Mr. LDBC
I’ll Take Holiday Terror for the Win, Alex
The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB: Neil Diamond’s Cherry Cherry Christmas
Have a very merry, cherry cherry, holly holy, rock and rolly Christmas this year.
In 2009, Neil Diamond mashed a whole bunch of his old song lyrics with some hackneyed descriptions of snow and magic holiday times. The result is this song. The children in the video look perplexed—but aren’t confused children what Christmas is all about? — Mrs. LDBC
The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB: Paul McCartney’s Wonderful Christmastime
Say, did I happen to mention that I’m having a wonderful Christmastime?
Sir Paul is simply having a wonderful Christmastime. Which he feels the need to tell you about once every three seconds, backed by the dulcet tones of the Sequential Circuits Prophet-5 synthesizer. Between this and “Helen Wheels,” Sir Paul might need to have his knighthood rescinded. — Mrs. LDBC
The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB: The Cheeky Girls’ Boys and Girls (Christmas Time Love)
Stay frosty: The Cheeky Girls and their frozen pal
The Cheeky Girls originally hail from Transylvania. Despite its title, this “song” (I use the term loosely) has about as much to do with Christmas as Vlad the Impaler. — Mrs. LDBC
The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB: Hall & Oates’s Jingle Bell Rock
Yule be sorry: Daryl, John & guests at the party of the damned
It’s Daryl & John’s rockin’ Christmas party! The duo begin the celebration by bopping woodenly around the room for a spell, and Oates emotes as if his life depended on it—which it very well may have. The pair receive some Yuletide guests, including Minnie Pearl, and turn away other revelers. Then, Baba Booey Oates and an elderly gentleman tussle over a frozen turkey, and Minnie gets a guitar as a gift. Finally, Old St. Nick appears in a puff of smoke, the rejected revelers have now joined the fun, and there’s an impromptu holiday jam session. Christmas in the ’80s was not for the faint of heart, my friends. — Mrs. LDBC
LDBCer Dispatch: Ms. Andrews Goes for Coffee
Artist’s representation of LDBCer Andrews when unduly provoked, Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio, 1597
No reason for us here at LDBC Central to do all the work hog the limelight when our terrified devoted community has so many harrowing delightful tales to tell. So here’s one, and more are on the way. First up: Shamela Andrews, with a rollickin’ report on what not to do before she’s had her caffeine. Enjoy, and keep your posts a-comin’. We’ll continue to highlight our favorites.
(SCENE: Time—7:55 a.m. Place—a local coffee drive-through. SHAMELA groggily pulls up. Bouncy, chipper CO-EDs #1 and #2 are staffing the joint. SHAM turns down her Freakonomics podcast to place her order.)
CO-ED 1: Gooood morning! What can I get you today? (with huge smile)
SHAM: (yawns) Sixteen-ounce peppermint mocha, please.
CO-ED 1: Okay! That will be $3.25!
SHAM: (hands CO-ED 1 $5 and her frequent buyer card)
CO-ED 1: (to CO-ED 2): Sixteen-ounce peppermint mocha!
CO-ED 2: Sixteen-ounce peppermint mocha coming up. OH HEY! We need to turn on the Christmas music!
CO-ED 1: Oh! Yes! (reaches towards iPod dock)
(Regular time slows to BULLET TIME. CO-ED 1 is reaching in slo-mo.)
SHAM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(SHAM is suddenly 3 stories tall, with hair writhing like snakes, lasers shooting out of her eyes, claws for hands with pointy knives as nails, a black nimbus cloud around her head, and her face is melting off like that guy in Indiana Jones. CO-EDs 1 and 2 register shock and awe and pants-pissing fear. Time speeds back up. CO-ED 1 snatches her hand away from iPod deck as if burned.)
CO-ED 1: (wide-eyed, skittish) O…kay… (takes several steps back)
(SHAM is herself again. Pats her hair down, clears throat. CO-EDs 1 and 2 avoid making eye contact. CO-ED 1 hands the coffee gingerly out the window.)
SHAM: (brightly, graciously) Thanks! Keep the change.
STILL IN.
The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB: Up on Santa Claus Mountain
This month, we’re kicking off a brand-spanking-new series here at LDBC Central, just to keep LDBCers’ spirits from flagging during the fearful Season of the Drum: The 12 Days of Christmas Songs Worse than LDB. For our inaugural post, here’s a Christmas tune that’s the aural equivalent of a Thomas Kinkade painting—Lorrie Morgan’s “Up on Santa Claus Mountain.” A mountain I never, ever want to scale, judging by the terrifying description of what goes on there. — Mrs. LDBC
Merry SNL Christmas: The Ferrell Fatalities
What about Bob? Will Ferrell as the deadly Robert Goulet
Perhaps the blame lies with Philo T. Farnsworth, who invented the medium. After all, last year, it was American Horror Story, and just tonight it was Will Ferrell doing Robert Goulet doing LDB on the SNL Christmas Special.
The dead piled up like cordwood. Anne Sussman, Jesse Blatt, Richard Arnold, Lee Ann Shollenberger, Steve Friedman. OK, so it was only five people, but still—kindling, at least. And poor Anne had already admitted she was jinxing herself by saying she was an LDBC machine. (Some may laugh and gloat, but not me, certainly. Not in public, anyway. Kudos to Hadley Taylor, though, for stepping over Anne’s corpse and heading to the future.)
Perhaps the correct spelling from now on is “Ghoul-et.” Or maybe Ferrell needs to change the name of his site to Funny and Die. Either way, it’s no laughing matter.
Godspeed, lost LDBCers. I guess it really was an impossible dream.
The Fifth Day: Dementia Five
Dan Aykroyd, Trading Places
Just a short update, LDBCers, and there’s no pretty way to say this: It’s a freakin’ apocalypse.
Only five days in, and the body count has topped 50. Fifty! Der Bingle and Aladdin Sane lead the Murderers’ Row list with three thus far, but not far behind are Burl “The Churl” Ives, Kenny G.-I’d-Love-to-Kill-Ya, Mannheim Steamroller, Perry Como, and Ray Conniff and his Bloodthirsty Singers with two each.
Home remains the deadliest place to hang, with 13 lives lost there, but retail establishments are coming up fast, with a total of 11.
Oh, the humanity. Or, as the wondrous Willy Wonka said: The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last.
Second-Day Summary: Two Much Blood
The Bloody Bumble
With the second day of the LDBC thinking about heading to bed and all the LDBCers heading to work tomorrow, it’s time to tally up the misery thus far. And it ain’t pretty, as the dark side of the holiday cheer has reared its monstrous head and roared a roar that’s thick with rage, slobber, and something that smells suspiciously like Ballantine’s best.
At this time last year, we were down 10. In 2012, it’s nearly twice that at 19. That’s a lot of puh-rum-pum-pum-pain, people.
Location-wise, home is where the harm is, with people’s dwellings edging out the car by a couple of deaths. Artist-wise, there’s no leader yet, with The Jackson 5, Wayne Newton, Frank Sinatra, Linda Ronstadt, Michael Bolton, and Peter Gabriel all stopping by to shank our best and bravest.
Let’s be careful out there.
Little Drummer Boy Challenge 