Fallen drummer by Reuben Radding

Go, tell the Spartans, stranger passing by

That here, obedient to their laws, we lie.

— Simonides of Ceos

And with that, just one of many translations of the poem to mark the heroics of men who each had more bravery in his pinky toe than I have in the entirety of my corpus, we celebrate the yearly toppling of The Boy, fellow LDBCers. We, the fallen, cheer the triumph of our winners while battling to contain the Giger-esque chest-burster of jealousy. And I face down a seasonal terror second only to that of the little rat-a-tat bastard himself: basic math.

The 2014 LDBC brought us a 46 percent increase in Facebook likes (from 1,830 to 2,675). More fearless holiday warriors willing to challenge the rhythmic darkness. And a few more skillful ones, apparently, since our reported win rate improved from 25 percent last year to 29 percent this year. Or maybe there are more shut-ins. Or more liars, perhaps. Still, a reported win’s a reported win, and I, for one, believe them, as I am a giving kind of guy.

One other statistical difference you’ll note is that this year marks the first time that the deadly duo of Bing and Bowie haven’t taken first place in the body count. That’s because I, being ever observant, realized after five years of doing this that people were reporting losses via the solo Bing version and not the combo, so I broke them out separately. Thus, live performances are now the King of Chaos and Harry Simeone reigns as Baron Blood.

Other firsts? This year marked the debut of the First Fallen, the lead-off loser who inspires the seasonal battle cry with his or her awful misfortune. For 2014, that dubious honor went to long-time LDBCer Susan Campbell Beachy, who bought it on day one with a grace comparable to that of Wile E. Coyote wrestling gravity. (She went paws-up at Michael’s Crafts while searching for a holiday garland for her bannister. For Susan!)

All gloom aside, let’s not forget that we end, as we do every year, with the inevitable victory delivered by our old friend the Gregorian calendar. (The second hand saves us when it passes the twelve in the first moments of December 24th, as it dependably does every year, after all.)

And this time around, we celebrate another groundbreaking gift, the arrival of the first LDBC twins (and first LDBC babies of any kind, as far as we know). Wee ones Bea and Tess showed up on December 9th and helped save their mom, LDBCer CJ, with the forced isolation of a nine-day hospital stay. And as Mom pointed out, they both have a lifetime LDBC winning streak going. (Please join us in welcoming the kids to the fray and congratulating the happy parents on their creation of life in the defiance of so much woe. Whoa.)

Credit: 2014 LDBC twins Bea and Tess by CJ

And if the circle-of-life thing isn’t quite enough joy for you, if you need more positivity to cram into your cheek pouches for later use, we also treat you to this, a note left for Santa by LDBCer Keri Rae Boyle‘s grateful third-grader. Personally, I rejoice in the knowledge that I’m not the only one out there who needs a few do-overs, even if my standard is set by a member of the post-Berenstain Bears crowd.

Credit: Santa note and note writer by Keri Rae Boyle

With that, we bring you the yearly NASA-level graphs and analysis, plus an LDBC-elfie gallery that’s full to bursting with pathos but is also leavened with a few pinches of win. And, of course, the sad and stirring narrative highlights and the ever-lovin’ LDBC Wall, your reward for filling out the reporting form. (And if you didn’t fill it out, but want to get on the Wall, you can still do so. I’ll check it now and then and add you laggards.)

As I say every year, this thing of ours helps get us through the holidays, and we couldn’t do it without you. So from all us slain Spartans to those still shuffling out the jitterbug o’ victory, a very Happy New Year, and best wishes for a wonderful 2015.

Puh-rum-pum-pum-pum, people.

The Quick and the Dead

Source: LDBC Analytics, Inc.

Song Sung Blue

Source: LDBC Analytics, Inc. (Click chart for full-sized version)

Here Is Where the Story Ends

Source: LDBC Analytics, Inc. (Click chart for full-sized version)

LDBCer Tales from the Trenches

The Victorious and the Vanquished: The LDBC Wall

The wish begins with such a beautiful sentiment, as wishes often do. The author is well-nigh selfless with paper, toner, and whatever labor was required to affix the holiday message to one of the subway-entrance signs for New York’s Times Square station. Suzi, Lou Lou, and Laura should have a Merry Christmas.

Not Marie, though.

There’s even an exclamation point to mark that dark desire with vitriolic enthusiasm.

Poor Marie, as LDBCer Susan Campbell Beachy, who took that photo once and then went back a second time to make sure she had the best shot she could get, said.

Poor Marie.

In this thing of ours, this mad dash toward daylight with the beat of the bullying Boy badgering us from behind, we are either survivors, or we are Marie. And with the nearly 700 of you dear, dear people who reported in, it looks like 75 percent of us fell in the latter camp this year. (I take it to be a representative sample and extrapolate because, hey—what do you want from me?)

Hundreds of Maries with tragic tales to tell. And a quarter of us with tired smiles of victory.

We did have our high points, to be sure. I won for the first time in four years, while Mrs. LDBC racked up her third-straight “W.” (She says she’s telling the truth. And I, for one, believe her.) We picked up a link from the CBS News site and appeared on the weekend edition of Good Day Sacramento not once, not twice, but three times. (The third one wasn’t posted. I think I may have had something in my teeth.)

And we grew from a high of 1,180 last year to a high of 1,830 on the Facebook page this year. To which I lift a glass of Pappy (yes, I was lucky enough to stumble onto some before it became all the rage), salute you with a hearty “huzzah!” and give to you these results. As always, if you see any mistakes, please comment or send feedback to let us know. And if you don’t see your name here on The Wall, it’s not too late to fill out the form. I won’t change the stats (I’m not that ambitious), but I’ll be happy to add you.

As I say every year, LDBCers, beneath this wiseass facade lurks a wiseass interior with coursing blood pumped by a wiseass heart. But deep within the core, I’m a sentimental fool. And the fact that so many of you show up and take this ridiculous-though-sacred game into your lives, don headphones, and terrorize your children just because I created a Facebook page and a blog never fails to make our holiday.

We mean that sincerely, me and the missus, and we hope you keep coming back and bringing friends and loved ones to share in the joy, stress, and terror. We’ll see you in November.

Puh-rum-pum-pum-pum, people.

Even you, Marie.